Parting Glances
I hate to play the Gay Grinch Who Stole Christmas but there's a movement afoot by the Southern Comfort Baptists to do away with all suspected gay references in Christmas carols and holiday traditions.
Unless we act with a united front (and a well-padded backside), "Don we now our gay apparel" is doomed. "God rest ye, merry gentlemen" is a goner. Sugar plum you-know-whats are things of the past.
Dancer, Prancer, and Cupid, dead ducks. Yes, Christmas may never be its gay old self again.
For those in the dark about the Southern Comfort Baptists — a boisterous offshoot of gay bashing, Disney boycotting, 13-million-strong Southern Baptists — the Comforters swarm like a 90-proof plague of locust. And they're two-fisted when it comes to minding other people's business, spiking other people's hot toddies.
Comforters are headquartered in Myopic Flats TX, home of the world-famous batter-dipped, low-cal Gila Burger. ("The burger with a vicious bite!") They broadcast over radio station WAKO-AM, and their TV program, "The Church Key Happy Hour" is syndicated worldwide.
Comforters perform what they call brinkmanship baptism. ("We don't sprinkle. We dunk, count to ten slowly, and ask God for a miracle.") They don't smoke weed, boogie down, play Bridge, skinny-dip, practice Feng Shui, eat kosher mayonnaise, play kissy face on the first and last date.
Their motto: "One taste of 100-proof Southern Comfort Baptist heaven goes a long, long way."
More than likely you've seen a controversial full-page ad the Comforters recently took out in the drugstore tabloids. "SANTA: A GAY AGENDA PLOT! Homos put the X rated in X-Mas! Are There 'Toys' Under Your Tree? Is Your Sock 'Hung' by the Chimney with 'Care'? Beware! The GAGs are coming."
In case you're too busy to speed-read the scandal sheets, Santa really got a few below-the-belt punches from these burning bush holy rollers: "It's bad enough the Gay Agenda Gang (GAG) has shoved TV's Burt & Ernie and Tinky Winky down our collective throats, but the real Trojan Horse is Old St. Nick himself!
"It's true. Santa, who wears a leather belt and boots, sports a beard and a big beer belly, is what GAGs call a card-carrying 'bear'. His red suit is color-coded to convey a deep-seated message. (Years ago, gay men wore bright red hankies.)
"And while there may be a Mrs. Santa – a 'beard' of another kind – what grown man in his right mind plays 'mistletoesy' in his 24/7 tool shop with elves (second cousins to hobbits, twinks and fairies)?
"Be forewarned. Sitting on Santa's ample knee and telling him you're naughty or nice — when God knows you're a loathsome, rotten, stinking, sinner — is an invitation to deviancy and damnation. Repent before it's too late! Santa, and all he stands for (including same-sex hobbit marriage), is anti-American, anti-family Values, anti-Republican, and a GAG plot to boot. Amen."
PS: The less said about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's bright and shiny, the better. Mary Christmas!
