Creep of the Week
Dear Log Cabin Republicans,
We need to talk. It’s about your new boyfriend. Look, I know you’re all smitten with him and think he’s the best thing to happen to you in a long time. But that’s only because all of your previous boyfriends have been abusive creeps. I know you think it’s different now, that you’ve finally found someone special. I’m sorry to tell you, however, that this Paul Ryan guy is a douche canoe, just like the rest of them.
Which makes me think that the problem rests with you. It’s a sign of some serious issues when everyone you consider a strong and stable boyfriend doesn’t actually think very much of you at all. Sure he may want a quick “endorsement” in a bar parking lot, but you know damn well he’s going home to his wife.
So when Log Cabin Republicans Executive Director R. Clarke Cooper says, “Congressman Paul Ryan is a strong choice for vice president, and his addition to the GOP ticket will help Republican candidates up and down the ballot,” the only way I can manage it making sense in my brain is if I read “up and down” as a sexual innuendo. A really desperate and gross one.
So what does Ryan have that’s just so irresistible to you? Oh, that’s right. Money.
Cooper continues, “As chairman of the House Budget Committee and author of the Republican ‘path to prosperity’ that provided the blueprint for serious spending cuts in this Congress, nobody is more qualified to articulate a conservative economic vision to restore the American economy and stimulate job creation.”
Ah, yes. Ryan’s budget, a.k.a. prosperity porn. We know how stimulating you Log Cabin guys find that sort of thing. But just like I wouldn’t call “Lord of the Cock Rings” a serious film, I would hardly call anything about Ryan’s budget serious. “Ryan hasn’t ‘crunched the numbers’; he has just scribbled some stuff down, without checking at all to see if it makes sense,” said Paul “GOP Boner Killer” Krugman. “This is just a fantasy, not a serious policy proposal.”
But wait, you’re going to say. Ryan is sorta kinda pro-gay in that he voted one time for something pro-gay way back in 2007.
And yes, you’re right. In that it happened one time in 2007 when Ryan voted for the Employment Nondiscrimination Act. And while you may want to point to an anomaly in Ryan’s record in order to prop up your fantasy, I think you should also know that, according to Michelangelo Signorile, Ryan voted in favor of the federal anti-gay marriage amendment, voted against hate crimes legislation, voted against ending “don’t ask, don’t tell, and favored an anti-gay marriage amendment in Wisconsin. As Gay City News reminds us, Ryan has a big fat zero from the Human Rights Campaign for his time in office. He’s also voted in favor of letting faith-based organizations skirt LGBT nondiscrimination measures and wanted to ban same-sex couples in D.C. from adopting.
So when LCR’s Copper cites Ryan’s “consistent willingness to engage with Log Cabin on a range of issues speaks to his record as a fair-minded policymaker,” it sounds a lot like you’re in love with him because he’s even willing to talk to you at all. And that you either don’t know or don’t care about his actual record. Because it sure isn’t “fair-minded” when it comes to LGBT equality.
I think that LCR’s enthusiasm over Ryan is actually a cry for help. May they get it soon.