By Jody Valley
Family ties bind?
Q: Jody, you will never guess what my sister did to me. Last week after a family dinner, she told my girlfriend that I was cheating on her. My girlfriend believed her for awhile and it caused us to have a big fight. I'm 23 and my sister is 21. My sister has always been jealous of me and my friendships. She has often tried to interfere with things I was doing. She wanted to tag along with me and my friends from the time she could walk. She has tried to cause problems between me and my friends on more than one occasion. I have just tried to ignore it, but this is going too far. I can't just ignore her anymore.
Anyway, my sister and I are in a huge fight. My mother says it is up to me to make up since I am the oldest, and I should be more responsible, and that I owe it to my family to have peace in the family.
I'm not really worried about my girlfriend because I don't really want to be dating someone who doesn't trust me, but I am furious with my sister. Do you think I "owe" it to my family to make up because I am the oldest?
The Brat's Sister
A: I think your mom should stay out of this as you and your sister are both adults now, even though you still have some childhood dynamics going on in your relationship. It's time that you two deal with your childhood stuff so that you can have a healthy adult relationship. Otherwise, this sort of thing will probably keep happening, as it seems to be a pattern in your relationship. As we grow into adulthood, siblings often have to deal with issues that affected their relationship when they were children, in order to change their relationship into an adult relationship. If you and your sister can't talk about it in a productive way, I would suggest that you see a counselor together. If your sister doesn't want to do this, I'd recommend that you go to a counselor yourself for help in dealing with this situation.
Butch it up
Q: I am a feminine man, and I always have been. From the time I was a child, I walked like a girl, threw like a girl, and liked playing with things girls like to play with. Most of my childhood friends were girls. Even though I had short hair and my mother dressed me like a boy, I was often mistaken for a girl. In elementary school this didn't seem to matter much, but by the time I got to middle school I started to become the target of my classmates' contempt. So for a long period of my life, I tried being very masculine. I watched how the jocks dressed, walked, and talked. I got pretty good at pretending I was masculine, but it was always just pretending. When I left for college, I decided to be just who I am (swishy), and if people don't like it, then too bad.
Being real has been such a relief for me, but now the problem is that I have fallen in love with a man who doesn't like girlie men. He has no idea I love him. He and I work in the same agency, and we have a great time together. We often go out for drinks, usually with a group. He seems to really enjoy my company, tells me all kind of confidences, and talks about what a great guy I am. But I know from what he has told me he isn't physically attracted to anyone but masculine men. I have been thinking about adopting my more masculine side and then ask him out. I don't know that I want to do this, but the flip side of the coin is not to have him, and I think I would just die. So, Dear Jody, what do you think?
Girlie Guy
A: I think that you know who you are, and furthermore, know what it is like to pretend that you are something, or someone, else. Your question to answer is: Could you live your life trying to pretend you are something you are not? Would you be happy? Your answer will tell you what to do.
