By Jody Valley
Sister siding with Grandpa
Q: I'm having a problem with my little sister, "Audrey." Well, actually, I have a problem with my grandfather and I feel like my sister doesn't support me regarding my grandfather.
Let me say first, Audrey has always been my grandfather's favorite. She is the only granddaughter in the family. There are five grandsons. Audrey was the last grandchild, and is extremely cute. She has always been my grandpa's "little girl." My parents were always critical of Audrey because they didn't think she was "bright" and acted like a "dingbat." (My parents were good to me because I excelled in school and were not upset with me for being gay.)
I am the first grandson and the only one that would carry my grandfather's name. My grandfather used to like/love me, too, but no more. I came out this year, and he disowned me. Besides just thinking I'm abnormal–though those were not the words he used, I can't bare to say the ones he did use–he is really pissed at me for not being able to carry on the family name. He says I'm a disgrace!
That's one problem, but not really the one I'm writing about, but essential to the understanding of my problem. The problem is that Audrey still has a relationship with my grandfather even though she knows what my grandfather has said to me. (Audrey, otherwise, backs me completely.) This really hurts me!
Audrey and I are now not speaking because we had a big fight about it. That is another hurt to me since I now feel abandoned by her. In our big fight, Audrey said that Grandpa is not all bad and that he is wrong in what he is saying about me, but that she still loves Grandpa, and she can't not see him because of his attitude towards me. I don't see how she can feel that way! If Grandpa was mean to her, I wouldn't have anything more to do with him because I love her and she's my little sister. So, I don't understand her at all and I feel betrayed by her. I'm really confused about how she can love and support me and still have a relationship and care about our grandfather.
I guess my question to you is how can my sister still care for my grandfather when she says that she is hurt by how he's treating me?
Abandoned
A: I can understand how you feel abandoned by both your grandfather and your little sister. However, it may help you to think about things in another way. First, your grandfather is from an age that understands little about being gay. He carries a lot of baggage with the word, "homosexual." He has also lost the idea of his name being carried on–no matter how unimportant or old fashion that may seem. Having said all that, I wouldn't give up on him; he may come around with time–and with the help of your sister who still keeps a relationship with him. She will be around him to counteract his negatively towards you, and help educate him. Also, regarding your sister and how she can keep a relationship with him, think about the fact that she was put down by your parents but valued by your grandfather! How can she emotionally give that up? Think about how much pain she must be in knowing how your grandfather is treating you. This whole situation must be very painful for her as well. Generally speaking, it can be helpful to think of people as not all good or all bad. That is true about all of us. Your sister is connected to the good in your grandfather. Hopefully she will help the good in him grow to understand who you are, and honor it.
Have a problem? Send your letters to: "Dear Jody," C/O Between The Lines, 20793 Farmington Road, Suite 25, Farmington, MI 48336. Or, e-mail: [email protected]
(Jody Valley spent 12 years as a clinical social worker. She worked with the LGBT community both as a counselor and a workshop leader in the areas of coming out, self-esteem and relationship issues. The "Dear Jody" column appears weekly. )
