After Thwarted Kidnapping Plans, Whitmer Calls for Unity

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer addressed the State of Michigan after a plan to kidnap her and other Michigan government officials was thwarted by state and federal law enforcement agencies. She started by saying thank you to law enforcement and FBI agents who participated in stopping this [...]

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Parting Glances: Your meter’s running, Elvis!

By |2018-01-16T00:01:23-05:00December 31st, 2009|Opinions|

By the time you read this PG you’ll have spent the equivalent of 20 cents. If you’re a speed reader you’ll save yourself a nickel or a dime, depending upon your scanning skills.
God bless you Evelyn Wood, wherever you are!
Time equals metered money, says Ian Walker, a University of Warwick (UK) economics prof. He’s devised a formula he thinks is bankable. I haven’t a clue how he figures things out. Scientific American gives him credibility points. Thankfully without footnoting his algebra.
Walker says three minutes of brushing your teeth equates to 45 cents, American (“after taxes and Social Security”). Washing your SUV by hand for a half hour soaps in at $4.50. (If you own a VW, it’s closer to $1.75.) This translates to 15 cents per min for your SUV efforts; 6.83 cents for your boyfriend’s Beetle.
Walker’s examples are basic, but his algebraic expertise is handy for those who like to keep track of digits, numbers and metrics. And what gay guy out for a night on the town doesn’t deal in figures?
Just for the heck of it, let’s see how some familiar gay-related pastimes measure up to Walker’s three-nickel standard, starting with that time-honored activity, the Quickie. (Not to be confused with its laid-back, lower bunkmate, the Nooner.)
In my day a Quickie took anywhere from two to 11.5 minutes, depending upon whether one was fully clothed, partially, or undressed. (In all instances, looking both ways for the vice squad.) That’s 30 cents to $1.72 per timeframe.
Should you be unfortunate enough to get caught with your proverbial pants or speedo down, you might wind up contributing rather generously to the GNP, with cancellation of your YMCA privileges or GOP party membership.
Today’s Quickie – so I’m told by a Department of Parks & Alfresco Recreation rep – who wishes at New Year’s onset to remain anonymous – takes anywhere from one to six minutes, but at a marked savings of .025 to .045 cents in terms of money-shot x effort, minus wide-stance wind resistence.
Advance preparation for projected encounters of this nature and sensitivity are aided and abetted by Internet sexting. (Known in some circles collectively as the Zipper Key Rebate.) Just stay out of Rouge or Hines Parks after 6 a.m.
As for the moment of unzipped bliss, the Big O is a bargain, worth .015 to .024 cents, depending on whether you’re facing up, lying down, stall standing, bending over. (If you’re a multi-orgasmic Tantra pretzeler, you’re lucky. Have a blessed lay.) How about cross dressing?
Data show that high fashion, Ivy League college cross dressers perform the transformation magic in just under four hours ($36). Informal, community college undergrad crossdressers, in two hours ($17.50). Budget basement cross dressers – two kids, home equity loan and/or mortgage – 20 minutes of garage, attic, or church-basement, unisex restroom ($3.00).
Figures for lesbian CDs are unavailable at press time, but a spot check of NFL broadcasters shows a two-minute average for softball, football, Shock game fans; five minutes for tennis match enthusiasts. Golf lesbians tee in at a full half hour, including 9 holes, with or without golf cart, woodie, or untethered mashie. Truth is, CD dykes are a notoriously thrifty bunch. You do the math.
For PG straight readers: Elvis impersonators of either sex average 12 hours of total makeover, or 108 bucks of user time spent in the pursuit of dubious civic duty in blue suede shoes. (“Hound Dog” renderings clock in at $15, with hip gyrations at $23.05 each. Flossing between Graceland commemorative impersonations, a modest 30 cents.)

About the Author:

Charles Alexander