The following items – for reasons happily positive, homophobic negative – recently made their uncharted way to my educational, ecumenical, and sometimes egregious email address.
I feel it my journalistic duty as a senior citizen of time-honored, distinguished gay lineage – Alexander the Great – to share these come-ons with you beloved PG readers. Pox, er, pax vobiscum.
First, this from the Southern Comfort American Baptists, by way of Pray Bashers for Jesus, LDS, in their joint monthly, Second Coming. Author Rev. Richard ‘Dick’ Shuttlecox.
“There’s little doubt, true believers, that we are living in the Last Days. The signs are all there. The president – Mr. Obamination – of this once-glorious, God fearing country – once blessedly bannered by a flag of 13 halo stars and Calvary-inspired stripes – for Jesus and his 12 disciples – is of dubious pedigree and birthright.
“Hawaii is, if little else, a pagan country. Too much sunshine. Too many alohas. Too many natives, male and female, hula-hulaing in grass skirts.
“This president so-called has also aligned himself with the anti-Christ, a secret coalition of 666 LGBTA ‘queer’ co-conspirators whose collective goal is to make same-sex marriage and/or its approval a prerequisite for citizenship for thousands of illegal immigrants – most of whom are not true, born-again-here Christians – now flooding America! Their sacrilegious password: Get you, Mary!
“Let’s be honest – as God’s elect we are commanded to be ‘gentle as doves but sly as serpents’ – it’s time to tell all and sundry that homosexuals are an Obamination and the cause of every natural disaster since Pompeii, all wars since 1812, artificial sweeteners and speed colas, every X-rated porno site (including man-woman sex not in the Bible-based, Missionary Position), and idolatrous worshippers of the Great Whore of Babylon, Lady Gaga (see Book of Revelation 17:5).
“Yea, verily, brothers and Sisters, the Southern Comforter Baptists humbly ask you to send Pray Bashers for Jesus, a tax-deductible check in the amount of $777, one dollar for each number contained in that sacred, Revelation revealed divine mystery configuration, to save this holy country from a rainbow – black, brown, non-white, pinko – take over.
“In return for your prompt response you will receive by Fed-Ex(gay) a year’s subscription to our publication, a red-white-and-blue WWJH? bracelet (or, if you prefer, WWJGB?), and a coupon to have your picture taken with your favorite T-bag, ultra conservative, Fox News reporter and/or anchor, or Fred Phelps (no relation to Michael).
“Remember these words of wisdom: When homosexuals say marriage, they mean Adam & Steve, Eve & Eydie, He/she & Tee/he. God loves a cheerful gay basher. Give from the top of your bottomless heart! Amen, not Gaymen.”
And this on a more positive note: “The Michigan State House and Senate both have unanimously passed a Proclamation, soon to be signed by Gov. Spyder, setting aside the Month of June as, Michigan Take A Dyke to Lunch Month.
The historic document honoring an unsung segment of Michigan movers and shakers reads: “In honor of the incalculable good that these womyn have done for sports – softball, tennis, bowling, pool, roller derby, Harley Davis expressway biking – citizens are encourage during June to pick up the tab for a neighborhood dyke or a suburban stone butch. Keep Michigan on the Winner’s Side.”