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How’s Your Telomere, Mary?

By | 2013-06-27T09:00:00-04:00 June 27th, 2013|Opinions, Parting Glances|

Parting Glances

This month’s issue of Brain World (Humanity’s New Frontier) carries articles of amatory, ecumenical interest for those of us fascinated and/or obsessed with sexuality preoccupation. Count me in.
In spite of my advanced years, I fancy that I still qualify to cut the Dijon Mustard, as Julia Child might say, preparing an appetizing Cordon Bleu for viewer delight but vicarious TV consumption.
Highlighted Brain World cover come-ons are, “Sex & Immortality,” “The Brain’s Pleasure Centers,” Sexual Healing,” “Unpredictable Love,” and “The Orgasm”. Perhaps to temper libidinous pandering to those of us somewhat more advanced in years, another cover highlight is “9 Tips for Aging Well”.
As for aging, my first-hand experience of that unavoidable process of contrary adjustment is that one’s sexual drive — provided you know how to shift gears and parallel park — persists well into your 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s if you don’t abuse the speed limits getting from your lighted front porch to your dimly lit bedroom.
As incentive for those who qualify for being “over the hill” (or, at least standing cane in hand on the apex looking at the road behind and the sliding slope ahead) is an interview with “ageless” Jane Fonda, who is 75. (By the way, diva worshippers, Barbara Streisand is 71, Cher is 67, Joan Rivers is 80, Madonna, 54, and Betty White is, well, eternal.)
For those who are curious as to how much time remains to pursue ones polymorphous perverse and sex-happy delights, Brain World provides a system for tallying longevity, “What’s Your Telomere Age?” The test, devised by three medical specialists, provides “clues about things you can do to start down the road to longevity.”
Telomere is a biological term: “Like plastic sheaths on the ends of shoe laces that prevent the laces from fraying, telomere are disposable buffers blocking the ends of chromosomes.” Good gay party banter.
Those taking the test start with 10,000 points, adding or subtracting accordingly, in response to questions such as, “Do you binge drink? Subtract 250 points.” “Do you have a pet you care for or are bonded to? Add 100.” “Do you take TA-65? Add 500 points.”
Parameters are: Less than 5,000 points, between 80 and 100 years. 8,001 and higher: “Eureka!” (Currently, in contrast to actual chronological age, you’re holding at estimated age 35. Or, if you prefer, the standard, on-going 39.)
Here’s one to try at home: “How long can you hold your breath? If you can’t hold your breath longer than thirty seconds, subtract 200 points. If you can hold you breath longer than sixty seconds but less than ninety, add 150 points. If you can do ninety seconds or more, add 250 points.” (PG advisory: Leave poppers alone for next 30 days.)
Having taken the test I’m pleased to tell my equally still-aging readership that I clock in at the 7,001 to 8,000 range (“between 25 and 47 years”). To be truthful I was short 200 points on the low end of the scale. I compensated by giving myself requisite points for being happily uncloseted, resolutely gay. A plus for sure.
Oh, yes! I don’t take TA-65 for 500 points, and I haven’t a clue what it is, does, or doesn’t do.

About the Author:

Charles Alexander