A group called Noah's Angels is spending big bucks to provide dolphins with bodysuits to stop gay activity among this frisky, highly sexually active species. (Dolphins are one of 450 animal groping, er, groupings known to enjoy same-sex cavorting.)
The bodysuits, costing $250 each, emit electric shocks when touching occurs between similarly outfitted dolphins.
Bodysuits are color coded to show preferred activity as observed by Noah's Angels swim-along, camera-recording evangelists. (Blue: likes to rub; Red, likes to probe; Yellow, goes belly to belly; Green, indulges in beak/genital propulsion; Grey, Ex-Gay dolphin.)
The NA project was first tried on flamingos, a breed known to be fond of same-sex pairing. However, the NA teams had onset problems because the birds began exhibiting courtship behavior toward three of the group's thinner men, who fled into the marshes for safety, preserving their own vestigial virginity and prayer.
If the NA project works, bodysuits will next be provided to giraffes. It's felt that this will curtail "necking," which not infrequently can last for hours "with as many as five giraffes observed rubbing away" and "repeated mountings that just look missionary position funny." (NA pamphlet, "Saving Animals from Sin: Making Our American Zoos Safe for T-Party Democracy.")
Because female giraffes do not "neck" – they do however bond – they will not be body suited, saving the NA project needed financial resources for "priestly look-alike penguin communities, much more in need of monitoring of spiritual issues of decorum and good taste."
("Body suiting involves measuring, color coordinating, hand stitching, pinning and padding, huffing and puffing, selecting appropriate Bible verses to add as aesthetic admonitions. Much also depends upon whether a female is a so-called soft or 'stone butch.'" NA admits that the latter determination, while spiritually important to determine, is time consuming.)
Dr. Quinine Curbsitter, NA spokesperson, warns that "such same-sex carryings on in the animal kingdom are not necessarily biological error, because free choice is not an issue. As animal husbandry specialists stress, that distinction is reserved only for Homo Erectus Gay Lesbius in metropolitan settings. Animals copulate by smell. Gays, by cologne."
Continues Dr. Curbsitter, "It's important to make the animal kingdom free of any same-sex activity that might set bad examples for families who see animals in zoos, circuses, aquariums, aquatic shows and Pentecostal snake-handling church socials. It's just not American to feed peanuts to a gay elephant – even if he, she or it is a Republican – is it?"
Predictably, animal rights activists are protesting the whole costly NA project, arguing that dolphins exhibit loyalty to same-sex partners and often spend a lifetime in committed relationships. (The less said about bonobo chimps, the better.)
Unfortunately, if Noah's Angels go global in missionary zeal, no penguin, chimp, skunk, prairie dog, hedgehog, gerbil or non-spawning trout will be safe.
Pray for 40 days of torrential rain. And for heaven's sake, neuter all gender-suspect, foul-mouthed parrots.
