Parting Glances: Render Unto Caesar's Pizza

Following an unexpected backlash — best described as a concerned public whiplash — Fools for Christ, Inc. announced on Easter Sunday its cancellation of their scheduled "Hate Someone Special for Jesus Week."
Reluctant to admit it, recent media and big-name protests against Indiana's perceived anti-LGBT, so-called Religious Freedom Law prompted Fools for Christ, Inc. to soft-pedal its campaign by renaming it, "Snub Someone Special for Jesus Week."
Comments FFC, Inc. spokesperson, Rev. Franklin Falwell Robertson, "Apparently America is not yet ready to openly practice hate as a spiritual tool for redemption of its sinning, predominantly Democratic, middle class, same-sex marrying, unsaved, Satanic citizens.
"Until that time comes — hopefully before the Last Days Rapture takes place — avoidance, while not as effective as open Christian hostility and honest hate, is the next best thing.
"Key, of course, is how the snubbing is done. Fortunately, there are many choices. Ask: What choice would Jesus choose?
"It helps if you have a leather-bound Scofield Bible at hand, for example, to shake in a gay person's face as one walks away from the proverbial 'near occasion of sin,' say if you're doing back room bar ministry."
Rev. F. F. Robertson — ever one to set an example for his flock of born-againers — boasts to the Lumbago Texas Sentinel that, during Holy Week, he had purposely practiced spiritual snubbing by not tipping six gay waiters between Good Friday and Easter Sunday.
He cites gay waiters as a "blatant example of this country's decline as a Christian Nation. America needs to wake up to the fact that gay waiters are — God knows! — everywhere. They are not above spiking our plum puddings and putting little rainbow umbrellas in our ginger beers. On Guard, America!"
ADDENDUM: As this week's issue of BTL goes to press, it's been learned that an Indiana pizza parlor has become — overnight — more than a half-million wealthier from unexpected contributions by friends of Fools for Christ, Inc. for the eatery's outspoken, if somewhat cutesy, refusal to serve LGBT people in person or at traditional same-sex weddings.
As might be expected, Rev. F. F. Robertson, a connoisseur of all-toppings pizza — except sinful anchovies — is reluctantly pleased by the change to snubbing.
This from today's Lumbago Texas Sentinel: "It's nothing short of miraculous," says Rev. F. F. Robertson. "God's hand is surely on the pizza. It's clearly manna from Heaven. It's an occasion for a 12-slice celebration. A sure sign that spiritual snubbing, no matter how you slice it, works wonders for those Christian businesses that do it for our master chef Jesus.
"Clearly this financial 'shower of blessing' on these humble pizza true believers is an incentive for others, specifically those churches frustrated by not being openly active in their redeeming hate toward LGBT people. What better way to raise needed tax-exempt funds for our church affiliates of Fools for Christ?
"With that goal in mind, I'm asking that the Sunday following April 15 — a time of great tribulation for all Americans — that pass-around Communion consist of small, commemorative pieces of blessed pizza and grape juice or wine. The latter, needless to say, a Cabernet Sauvignon not recommended by a gay waiter."