Dutch Scientists Sound Alarm About Groundhog-Sexual Day

By |2022-02-02T11:19:44-05:00February 2nd, 2022|Opinions, Parting Glances|

Something to chuckle over…

Groundhog Day is once more here. It’s that time of the turncoat season when this rodentia relative of the woodchuck checks out his/her/its shadow to see if it is binary or non-binary. 

(The trans groundhog rumor was started by the Dutch LGBT scientists, by the way.)

And! A recent British LGBTQ+ scientific study finds that six to eight percent of groundhogs are totally gay or, if you prefer, “pinkos.” 

These same-sex woolies — not to be confused with football, bun-slapping muttonheads — have a different brain structure than their straight-shagging rodent woodchuck counterparts.

While we American gay wooly curious find same-sex rutting to be of intriguing clinical interest — that’s what GRRRindr’s really all about — our non-gay, biblical wooly worders are obsessed with other ramifications in animal husbandry. 

(Being washed in the Blood of the Lamb is a little too close for their laundromating comfort.)

Holy Protecting Pets (HPP! for short)! A family values organization located in Waggoff, Georgia wants so-called “pinko groundhogs” to be corralled in ex-gay prayer pens for reparative therapy, Bible verse counseling, fleece back combing, short horn retwisting. And, if all else fails, strictly kosher neutering.

HPP! president Rev. Mark-Luke Dutibound expresses grave concern about the Dutch and British data.

 “I’m convinced it’s a Satanic plot. It’s enough that we’ve made scapegoats out of gays and lesbians; now we’ve got these damnable four-legged groundhog-sexual considerations to deal with.

“You can be certain that when sheep, ewes, rams, lambkins — and for that matter pigs, cows, does, horses, dogs, cats, wombats — came off Noah’s Ark, they were all straight and after 40 days, really horny to multiply. But not fruitfully.”

HPP! gets worried emails from parents who are wondering about their own impressionable kids. 

“What do I tell my Tommy about counting his bedtime sheep?” asks one concerned daddy. “What if just one sheep is, you know, a ‘pinko’? Do they jump fences differently?

“And what’s this business about one for the master, one for the dame, one for the little boy who lived down the lane? Are they into some kinda kiddy kink? ‘Yes sir! Yes sir! Three bags full!’ It’s scary.”

A panicked mom in Palin County, Alaska, frets, “What if my Nora asks about Mary’s Little Lamb? Is that Mary as in gay lingo, by the way?” (Get you. Mary!) 

“Do tainted lambs follow children to kindergarten? Would it help to homeschool my kids, or my kids’ kids or their kids’ kids? Help! I’m not kidding.”

We advise parents not to take kids under 12 to farms where the gay rams are grazing,” said Rev. Dutibound at an HPP! sheep shearing fundraiser. 

“It’s bleatingly bad form that zoo chimps openly diddle. Now this. We don’t approve of same-sex animal husbandry in any form!”

“If you can’t cuddle up to a sheep — straight or gay, bi or transgender — for heaven’s sake butt out. That should be everybody’s bottom line. No bull about it!”

Predictably, gay activists are alarmed at these blatant instances of kidophobia. “Why can’t these HPP!-ers just let these herbivores munch grass and mount each other in peace? Truth is, some animals have little hornies. Some animals have big hornies. Who gives a rat’s winkie, anyway?”

One final philosophical question to ponder for Groundhog Day. If a woodchuck could chuck wood, how much would a woodchuck chuck? Straight and/or gay?

About the Author:

Charles Alexander