Parting Glances Best of Sr. Scatterpin (2 of 3)

Charles Alexander
By | 2018-05-16T12:57:53+00:00 May 16th, 2018|Opinions, Parting Glances|

I had a tarot reading last Sunday by a psychic friend of Sr. Serena Scatterpin.
“She’s a marvel and a looker,” was Sister’s intro. “If just a tad off her ever-lovin’ spiritual rocker.”
Glad that the holidays are over – and finding myself 40 pounds fruit cake heavier, I was intrigued — I have a persistent fondness for ever-lovin’ rockers.
Tarot reader Lady Novena Knightly – 6′ 7″ in flats – self identifies as a pre-op recovering catholic and bisexual drag queen in hetero remission.
She works at a popular bistro that caters to all psychic types — some short in crew socks, some tall in high heels — who themselves are, or who need to be, in remission: mentally, monetarily or morally.
She’s also Sister’s makeup advisor and frequent fashionista euchre partner (Father Manly Evergrope, Sister’s on-again, off-again escort, prefers hands-on video games and late-night, non-fasionista Stud Poker playoffs.)
My reading took place in the Convent of the Renegade Sisters of Mary multimedia room. A five-buck love offering was suggested, for which I got a taped reading, a bracing cup of essence of yohimba oolong tea, and a seven-chakra, let’s-get-really-acquainted, digital tappy tap.
“I see contradictory things in your spread,” began Lady Novena. “You bottomed out last year, but 2009 will see you on top for a welcome — if somewhat unbelievable — change. So, in a big way, put small things behind you.”
For this remarkable reading I generously purchased three packets of RSM-marketed Lights Out for Brotherly Love incense.
To say Lady Novena (aka, one-time IRS accountant Dudley Brownberry, Jr.) is striking is, well, understatement. She’s a towering presence and, obvious to all who meet her, she’s been around the parish block a few times. Her calves are angelically well-honed. Her thighs, heavenly suggestive of enterprising goal setting. Her hips beatifically redolent of metaphoric marathons yet to come — or, something like that.
“What did you think?” asked Sr. Scatterpin. “Did the tarot cards have you pegged?”
“Sis, I haven’t had a back rub like that in ages! And that cup of oolong tea worked wonders. You might get the Renegade Sisters to bottle it,” I said. “One question, ‘tho. What’s this about Lady Novena being a tad off her spiritual rocker?”
“Well, just between us RC girls. Lady Novena says she gets dressing room visits at odd times from the Virgin Mary,” she said. “She claims the BVM visited her the year she turned 21, inspiring her eventually to go into show business. If you can believe that.”
“Who knows, Sister? Heaven works in mysterious ways its wonders to perform. What does Father Evergrope say?”
“Evergrope says that if Lady Novena thinks she’s getting visitations and it helps her drag queen performances, what’s the harm?” she said. “The problem’s that Pope Benedict XVI’s just decreed that persons claiming BVM drop ins — drag queens included — have to be examined for authenticity by a church-sponsored shrink”
“It’s one way of getting 15 minutes of fame, I suppose, Sister. It certainly beats having stigmata. And a lot less messier, too,” I said. “Come to think of it, as far back as I can remember there’s never been a drag queen with stigmata. At least outside of the Castro or New York’s club baths. But, who knows? Could be a first for LGBT Michigan.”
“If I were the BVM,” sighed Sister Scatterpin, herself a now-and-then virgin. “I’d really make it a first for all parties concerned, including fundygelical-du-jour Rick Warren. A 15-second cameo appearance in DC at Obama’s inaugural, well, what can I say? The Republicans would go bonkers. The pope apoplectic. That’s show biz!”

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Charles Alexander