Being on the market has its advantages: friends love stories that are sick, strange and full of you-gotta-be-kidding-mes. I’ve had my share of those (see below) – enough, anyway, to question my life as reality or a Katherine Heigl rom-com. Just a few observations as you man (or woman) hunt:
1. They always tell you not to pop a zit. But if that thing looks like it’s ready to attack Sigourney Weaver in “Alien 5,” I’m all for giving it a pinch. Just don’t do it in front of someone you’re trying to impress. Over food.
2. Aw, the museum: it’s so pretentiously romantic and mostly un-awkward… until the other one goes all hall-monitor on a sweet, innocent family of four who’s climbing on a sculptured public swing that’s meant for kiddie play. He chides them, but unconvincingly because they’re still swinging. And even though you know they’re right, you wish they weren’t. Because what’s next? Getting security involved. Lesson: Avoid museums until you know if someone’s capable of minding their own business. And: Yes, you can play on the swing.
3. How meta of you to take a call during the opening of “Scream 4,” just as Ghostface slays another group of horny teens. Yes, I get that you’re very important, Mr. Movie Producer, and that the call can’t wait because you’re making a very important indie movie in Michigan. But ditching your date? Not cool.
4. Don’t be rubbing up all horny-like on some other guy while another prospect is hanging out nearby. “I’m in the corner watching you kiss her, ooh / I’m right over here, why can’t you see me?” Didn’t Robyn teach you anything?
5. Think before you “speak,” otherwise your text talk might end up like this, where a compliment reads more like a high school diss:
Him/Her: You were doing plenty of smiling last night. Or maybe you didn’t notice. 😛
You: I had a reason to, though.
Him/Her: I just giggled like a schoolgirl.
You: Haha. Cute!
Him/Her: YOUR FACE!
6. Only deep into a relationship is it acceptable to let one rip, from either end, in front of your partner. And only then, too, is it not strange to make weird requests – like for a cup – while using the potty. You might be asking, “A cup?” Right. So was I. Turns out some people do DIY bidets. And hey, I appreciate a clean butt as much as the next person. But you’re using a cup I drink my morning O.J. from. That’s just too “one guy, one cup” for… anyone.