As the world continues to learn more about coronavirus and its spread, it's vital to stay up-to-date on the latest developments. However, it's also important to make sure that the information being distributed is from credible sources. To that end, Between The Lines has compiled, [...]
FORM REQUEST: We, the undersigned, do hereby petition the Michigan State House of Representatives and Senate to confer Honorary Second Class Citizenship on [insert name], who tirelessly works to deny the civil rights of LGBT persons regardless of their nationality, race, age, religion, Bridge, golf, or block club affiliation.
We, the undersigned, further deem it fit that [insertee] shall be given opportunity to experience — with the mixed blessing of Democrats and Republicans — denials in housing, military service, employment, marriage, adoption, school safety, and the afterlife, but only if such final status was conferred in violation of the Geneva Convention.
[Insertee] shall merit Honorary Second Class Citizenship by his/her affiliation with one or more of these special interest agendas: the American Family Association, Focus on the Family, 700 Club, KKK, Cosa Nostra, Nazi Party Alt-Right Redux, Mormon Polygamists for Family Values, and the Corpus Christi Snuff Film Consortium.
SUBSET 1: Should affiliation be covert due to theocratic oath-taking, promise of tax rebate, threat of hellfire damnation, or exposure of past celibate toilet training — candidate shall be deemed eligible by notarized statement of an LGBT victim that said candidate, in the course of his/her misguided life’s mission, caused that LGBT person to be hated, damned, prayed over (under, for, or in the missionary position) or maligned publicly or privately.
And further: For accusing an LGBT person of undermining the sanctity of heterosexual marriage — including benefits of spousal abuse, separation, divorce, annulment, alimony, and child-support privileges — and blaming an LGBT for the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, current alphabetic, same-sex-marriage-caused hurricanes, popularity of Judy Garland, Barbra Streisand, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Glee, or Drag-Queen Bingo.
Eligibility for candidate second-class status may include IQ scores (mid-70s), failed three-syllable word association tests, blood pressure readings (140/250 normative), and erratic EKG readouts (arrhythmia’s, with occasional but unconvincing stoppages — that is, none of such lasting duration as to benefit society, trickle-down economy, Medicaid, prevention of Donald Trump schizoid schemes.)
SUBSET 2: Candidates often exhibit these exotic traits: cerebral ice-over, skyward tweakings, zombie-like fixations, tremulous teeth chattering, holier-than-thou nit picking, and beet-red blushing when sniffing out the joy of abstemious sex or its aromatic lack thereof.
Candidates employ clone-speak coupled with chapter-verse sonar biblical echoing: Spare the rod and spoil the child; Love the sinner, hate the sin; Have a bless’d lay [sorry, day]; Never on Sunday; Once saved, always saved; God loves a cheerful liver [sorry: giver]; Read my lips — One Nation, One Faith, One God in 501.C Three-Trump Persons.
SUBSET 3: Second class status shall be conferred with yearly review. If married, that privilege shall be revoked, so that candidate may be denied 1047 spousal benefits, including HMO hospital visitation rights, 1040 tax loophole advantages, weekly diaper deliveries, family reunion hand-holding sessions, wedding gift registry at Marshall Field’s, and joint bank account penalties with reoccuring ATM credit card snafus.
SNYDER FORM ADD-ON: It is modestly suggested that, in full accord with State bipartisan recognition, [insertee] shall have his/her mug shot prominently displayed in post offices, courtrooms, airports, truck stops, as well as in newspapers, pages of Christianity Today, Lansing State Journal, Congressional Record, Casket & Sunny Side, and the Police Gazette. (On second thought: forget the truck stops.)