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Just in time for Easter 2019, Fools for Christ (and Donald Trump) — an American Bible GOP group headquartered in Lumbago Falls, Texas — held a press conference on Palm Sunday to publicize “National Hate Someone Special for Jesus Week.”
Fools for Christ spokesperson Rev. Franklin Falwell Robertson called the press conference, “a clarion trumpet call to all true believers marching as to war with the double cross of Jesus going on before.”
The militant media event — covered by a coalition of several tax-free televangelist broadcast stations and nosey shopping market tabloids — followed a stirring sermon by Rev. F. F. Robertson called succinctly: “Hate the sin. Don’t forget to hate the sinner. (For Jesus).”
“As twice-born true believers, we’ve been turning our other cheeks far too long,” said Rev. Robertson. “With a fast-approaching time of the Left Behind just around the corner, we need to return to militancy values of Christian centuries long, long gone by.
“Say what you will, doubting Thomases, but the Crusades (especially the Children’s Crusade), the Inquisition with its beacon of repentance, the burning stake and an occasional pogrom now and then, had merit in saving souls, no matter how harsh or seemingly bigoted the Christian strategy.
“For a time, slavery seemed a viable option, too. (It does have New Testament blessing, by the way.) But, for whatever reason of divine intervention, God permitted the Civil War. Don’t get me wrong — war has its place. (Thank Heaven for Christians Trump and Pence. And hopefully Mitch.)
“So that there’s no misunderstanding where Fools for Christ is coming from on its Last Day’s strategy of hating sinners for Jesus, let me emphasize: we are not engaging in our own honest hatred because we of late have been the persecuted minority following our policy on shunning gays, speaking out against feminism and telling other religions they are satanic or too financially competitive.
“Oh, no. Our interest is solely making America a Christian nation. If active hate does the trick, so much the better. If creative Christian hate can change things for national uniformity sake, it’s just steps away from making church attendance mandatory for citizenship; making America’s leaders religiously Republican in their economic outlook. Theocracy with a capital ‘T.’
“But in all fairness to sinners in need of a touch or two of blessed hate: there are degrees of sin. It’s easy to hate a murderer or someone who commits adultery, or, someone who masturbates or watches porn. Worse yet, someone who fails to tithe to the church.
“It’s important to express hatred that gets national soul-saving publicity. The more outrageous. The more nefarious. The better!
“When it comes down to it, in God’s eyes, refusing to serve gays in your place of business because of your Trinitarian beliefs, or to bake a wedding cake for a same-sex couple, or to deny adoption rights to gays and lesbians are all socially redemptive actions.
“Biblically speaking, it’s just the Old Testament ritual of scapegoating. A time-honored tradition, by the way. Stars in your crown.
“I want to thank all of you for being here today. It’s your turn now to go out and be a Fool for Christ. Just for practice sake, turn to the person seated on your left or on you far right and say, ‘You’re going to Hell!’
“Have a joyful Easter! Hate rises with the Late J. C. Amen. (Oh, yes. The disciple whom Jesus loved was an exception. That disciple was bisexual. He loved tax-collectors and Roman coin collectors.”